Plastic surgery

Robin Williams once said never to economise on sushi – or plastic surgery. Quite. Except that I am astonished that anyone ever goes anywhere near it in the first place as even good ‘work’ looks awful; well not awful in a car-crash way but just weird. The fact that you can always tell must say something – and that’s not just the obvious Angelina Jolie bottom lip or the strange stretched look that reached its terrible apotheosis in the ‘Bride of Wildenstein.’ Observe Meg Ryan….

The bad stuff is genuinely tragic. I had a business relationship with a woman that was entirely on the telephone – about advertising in case you’re wondering. I met her a few months ago at a party. As she disappeared into the air-kissing crowd I asked the person to whom I had been talking, and who knew her, what had happened, ie what accident had befallen the poor woman. It was, it turned out, just ‘work’ that hadn’t worked out - the ultimate punishment of the Gods for the sin of vanity.

This is a huge business – and growing fast. It was worth £750 million in 2005 and is now topping £3.5billon. The evidence is there on every street with middle aged pneumatic breasts on summer display topped by bulging oriental eyes and lips that look as if they have done a round with Amir Khan - and a smile that only involves the mouth. But not for long. As we hit the consequences of chronic antibiotic abuse even minor emergency surgery will be mortally dangerous - and ‘work’, suicidal.

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